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Sherlock Holmes. AGAIN.

Many of you already know that I have a fanatical obsession with Sherlock Holmes. Example:





But what you may not know is that I also have an opinion about every single major actor who's ever played Holmes. And I just have to get a few things off my chest about these guys.


BASIL RATHBONE: A++

Basil Rathbone is the definitive Holmes, end of story. Anyone who doesn't think so will be eaten by rats. Rats trained by me. Basil is determined, decisive, has a sexy voice, acts like he owns the police and wears a smashing hat...all perfect traits of a good Holmes. Basil Rathbone and I are going to be happily married as soon as I can find a country wherein it's legal to marry the stolen corpse of an actor from the 1940's.


RONALD HOWARD: B+

Runner-up to Basil for best Holmes. Ron's not exactly the determined and obsessed detective he's supposed to be...he rather looks like a guy who was delivering sandwiches to the sound stage and suddenly got roped into the part without his own consent. He always looks a bit bewildered by it all, but I will say that he IS the funniest Holmes ever, and that's why he gets second place. Good episode example: he suddenly receives a hungry baby in a basket on his doorstep and his first instinct is to maybe give it some coffee or something. Ron's a doofus, but a lovable doofus.


PETER CUSHING: C

Cushing has a weird manic energy that plays well as a rather eccentric Holmes (and that's saying something, as he's eccentric enough already). However his lack of height, effete mannerisms, laughable hair, and his comically long pipe instead of a regular calabash make him look like a gay Bilbo Baggins. Also you could slice cheddar with his cheekbones...I almost want to hold him down and force feed him sandwiches until his skull stops trying to escape through his face. However he scrapes by with a C because he seems to be possessed by inner crazy demons and that always makes for good cinema.


ARTHUR WONTNER: C-

This guy looks like the grandfather from the Munsters. Seriously.


REGINALD OWEN: A big hilarious D-

Reginald is about as much like Sherlock Holmes as the president of General Motors is like strawberry yogurt. Reginald looks like the original guy who played Superman in the 1950's TV show. He's a pudgy, doughy white guy who doesn't seem at any moment like he's got brilliant crime-solving on his mind. In fact if he had a thought bubble over his head at all times, I'd bet a billion dollars there'd be nothing in it but the Denver Broncos, or possibly a full-color picture of a pork chop and some french fries. And that's probably what he was paid to do the movie.


JEREMY BRETT: F frickin' MINUS MINUS

This guy looks like a walking mummy but has far less acting ability. He plays every scene as if his motivation is, "Your mother was just raped by hornets and her insurance doesn't cover that." Everyone goes on about his "thoughtful" portrayal of Holmes. Apparently "thoughtful" is Hollywood talk for "pissy." People may say he's the best Holmes but they're fucking WRONG. And also ugly. Both Jeremy and them. And he never stops making a deal about Holmes doing cocaine. You know what? You don't have to remind us EVERY EPISODE. It WAS legal back then, and also he took seven percent cocaine in a 93 percent WATER solution. It's not like he was snorting lines of it off a hooker's back. Big fat BOO for Jeremy Brett.


EVERYONE ELSE: I for incomplete because they're posers.

And that's what I think of THAT. Thank you.

Wonderful Wocket



This journal is for CLOSE PERSONAL FRIENDS. Do not ask to be added.

Go to my public project journal instead!
http://wonderfulwocket.livejournal.com

It's full of WOCKETS.

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